I looked down at my empty glass, wondering for a moment if I should get some more punch. Then I saw someone walk past that I knew I just had to talk to, and decided to put down the glass.

"Excuse me," I said to the tall dark figure. "I couldn't be sure since we never met, but aren't you Darth Vader?"

"Yes. What do you want?" He was very abrupt, but that didn't matter to me.

My voice was soft and menacing as I felt something strange come over me. "I want to kick your ass for hurting Liz's feelings, you bastard."

He stood stock still and I could feel him probe with the Force. "You are a Jedi Padawan, and yet--you were drinking the punch, weren't you?"

"What does that have to do with anything?" My voice was rising along with my temper. Suddenly an image sprung to mind of Liz's face as she handed me the punch. Realizing that Vader had seen the vision too I clamped down harder on my shields.

"So, the mixed-up Sith apprentice set you up...interesting."

"Don't call her that." My protest was a little weaker this time as I realized that she did have something to do with it...I knew it couldn't be just hormonal.

"What, you thought she was your friend?"

"Well, no, we just met, so acquaintance would be more appropriate." Still, I was beating myself up inside for trusting her. Then I caught a snatch of true calm and realized that she was just acting according to her nature. She was a Sith apprentice after all--she probably thought she was doing me a favor. Sure, some favor. The anger caught me again.

"Good, experience that anger. Let it flow through you."

I tried to reach that calm again, but it was beyond me. "I don't think I have a choice right now."

"Come with me," he invited. "I'll help you handle your anger and frustration."

I raised a questioning eyebrow, but he turned abruptly and walked away. Feeling contrary I almost didn't follow, but curiosity began to shove the anger aside. I couldn't help myself, there was just something about the whole situation...

We reached the stairs and another feeling entered the mix--fear. I felt my skin cool, but there was something thrilling and seductive about that fear. I quickened my pace behind him.

His black cloak billowed out behind him as he ascended the stairs. There was a grace to this, an elegance conveyed in the fabric alone. I was entranced as I followed, unable to break the spell. The rhythmic sound of his mechanical breathing had an almost hypnotic effect on me, one I didn't understand but it compelled me anyway.

I followed closely, not wanting to lose him. He came to a door and opened it, gesturing for me to follow. His bedroom was sparse, but that didn't bother me, I expected to be paying attention to him alone for as long as I was here.

"How did you plan on changing my anger for something else?" I swallowed down my hope, easy to do with the fear that was threatening to overpower me.

"You know exactly what I have in mind. Just because some things are denied to me doesn't mean I don't have other needs."

"What do you mean?"

"I was burned horribly years ago...I assumed you knew. My lungs are beyond repair, I was scarred over most of my body, but I assure you that everything necessary to what you have in mind is intact."

"Oh." I had barely formed the suspicion before he answered me. "So no kissing, nothing else involving your mouth, and I shouldn't look at your face which won't be a problem because you need to keep your mask on--do I have it right?" My smile was a slight seductive thing as I came closer. "I think I can handle that."

"Close, but there are things you can do with the Force that Yoda would never teach you." He held me close against him. "Close your eyes."

I closed my eyes and could feel lips brush against mine. I opened my eyes and gasped at how real it had felt, and how erotic. "Oh gods," I gasped.

"I take it I remembered how to do it right." I could feel the low rumble of his voice down to my toes. His hand lifted to my face and caressed my cheek. His finger traced my lips then lifted my face gently under my chin. I let my eyes slip closed again and the kiss was deep and passionate. I could feel him in my mind, testing exactly what I liked and feeling the sensation for himself through me. I moaned softly, my knees threatening to give way.

He pulled me away slightly. My eyes snapped open and he gestured toward the bed. I couldn't catch my breath, I just walked toward the bed as if I floated on a cloud. He stopped me just beside the bed and gave me another one of those magical Force kisses as he reached around to undo my dress.

As I closed my eyes this time I could see him as he must have been in life. It wasn't an image he was trying to project, but it was the way he still thought of himself when he let go of the pain. The sheer lust that built within us both was enough to drive everything else away. I opened my eyes and looked into the mask's eyes still haunted by the pure blue of his past self.

::Don't look at me like that:: he said through the Force. He felt more anger than I had ever known about whatever it was that had happened to him. He resented me reminding him what he really looked like. I took a step back, afraid again, but all that was behind me was the bed. My dress slipped off as I fell back on the bed.

My anger took me then. How dare he make me so afraid when we had been about to have so much fun? ::That doesn't matter. Dammit, if you don't follow through I will hurt you worse than that.:: I made it obvious I meant to hurt him worse than what had left him half dead in the first place.

The sound of Darth Vader's laughter was the most ominous sound I had ever heard. He reached forward and my bra was suddenly on the floor with my gown. His gloved hand cupped my right breast, gently arousing my sensitive nipple. I moaned gently, tipping my head back and reveling in the sensation. It was unsettling having my emotions played with so adeptly. I didn't have a chance to keep my balance and he knew it.

"Yes, give yourself to your emotions. Don't think, just feel."

Oh gods, it felt so good. He sat down beside me and ran the fingertips of his other hand over my eyes. Behind my eyelids I saw him as he preferred to be again. In the vision he reached forward and suckled my breast while his other hand continued to stimulate my other breast. I laid back and felt the pleasure course through me. He paused long enough to remove my panties and then he slipped a finger against my wet slit. With a deep rumble of approval he slipped a finger inside me and gently rubbed my clit with his thumb.

I moaned as I saw him bend toward my pussy and ever so gently lick. I knew that it was a trick of the Force, I knew it wasn't real, but I couldn't feel a difference. It felt as if my insides were on fire as he increased the pace, sucking on my clit and then burying his tongue deep inside of me. I screamed as I came, clutching the sheets in my tight fists. I clenched my eyes tightly closed to keep him from stopping.

I felt the bed shift under me and realized I was being placed in a better position. I gasped at the feel of my wrists being restrained above my head. I could hear the rustle of fabric and the springs of the bed as he settled over me. He smelled like leather and lust with another, undefinable scent under the surface. His hands depressed the bed on either side of me and I could feel the tip of his member begin to press against me to enter.

I couldn't believe how gentle he was. I wanted to be ravaged and he was torturing me by treating me like I was delicate. With a stab of rage I probed him to find out why and I saw an image of *her*. His wife, pregnant with twins, and he had never known. It blew my mind that he was doing this to me to make up for what he hadn't been for her. Then I understood--the punch that had been filling my gentle soul with darkness had affected him through me and reminded him of the good within him.

::This isn't me:: I cried with the part of my soul that could, and I heard Vader echo my cry. We moved our bodies together in that most ancient of all rhythms, building speed slowly. I struggled to free my hands as I lost control, but I couldn't get free and it helped drive me over the edge that much faster. I climaxed hard, clenching my vaginal muscles tightly around him and wrapping my legs around his waist. He slowed for only a moment while I caught my breath and then he was pounding within me again. I came a second time, harder than the last, but still he wasn't done. I nearly cried at my helplessness as I tugged against whatever was holding my hands, but still to no avail. I felt something within me release finally and I lost track of everything except the sensation of Vader fucking me. Finally I felt his control begin to release and in that last moment as he came within me I gazed at him in the real world, loving both images of him.

That sent me over the edge one last time and I finally freed my hands as he let go. I clutched him to me, shaking--almost sobbing from the overload of emotion. I didn't know what I was feeling suddenly as I felt his emotions bleed into mine. ::I can't believe how much you remind me of *her*:: he thought with a strange hollow pain that I hadn't expected. I suddenly wanted to cry. I had no control for the first time in my life and I didn't know what to do except lie there and hold him.

Suddenly I was repulsed. This was a Sith, someone who had turned against his Jedi training. How could I...?

I felt his anger rise in response, and then we both slammed up our shields. "I see the spell has worn off." His voice was matter of fact, but I could feel a trace of amusement behind his words.

I wiped my hand across my face, curling up on the bed and trying in vain to cover certain parts of myself. The truth was I had really enjoyed myself, much more than the effect of the punch could excuse. In horror I bounded off the bed and grabbed my clothes. Darth Vader gently helped me and I almost melted back into his arms. I caught myself and hastily pulled away. "Don't. Just--don't help me. I--" With trembling fingers I finished dressing myself. I tried hard not to cry as I remembered what it had felt like to be kissed in that unique way. With a sharp intake of breath I ran out, wondering how I could put it behind me. Especially when I knew that he would never be that way again.

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There you have it, tasty--er, I mean tasteful--Vader smut. I kinda had to end it that way, right? So why am I so bummed? *sigh*

Tam Chronin
Jedi Padawan

"Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."
"Master Yoda, where does suffering lead to?"
"To your room you will go, Padawan. Discover for yourself where it leads you will."
"Yes, Master Yoda. Of course, Master Yoda. Whatever you say, Master Yoda."
*Sigh*

________________________________________________________________________

In all the worlds I know are out there
The words reflect a hollow meaning
And there is no one to hear my prayer
And no answers to be gleaning...

I hid my poetry from everyone, I usually wrote it when I was trying to vent a negative emotion and I felt uncomfortable sharing that side of myself. This morning the words demanded to be written, I needed to come to terms with what happened last night and this was the only way I could think of. I sat and let the words flow.

These feelings are mine that I can't share
And deep within my soul is keening
Even for me it's too much to bear
But there is no one I can turn to for leaning.

I was totally alone for this one, if I admitted what happened to anyone I knew I would never be a Jedi Knight. If anyone found out I would be ruined. I had had sex with Darth Vader of all people! And would again, I knew...if I ever had the chance. Horribly scarred he had said--but I had been trained to see beyond what was on the outside by one who exemplified that rule. I couldn't deny the evil that shrouded his soul, but all I could think of was his pain and how I wanted to take it away. Even the darkness that was so much a part of him fed my craving to explore the darkness within me in a seductive siren's call.

What do I see when I see you?
How could I see you this way?
I should be repulsed by the image true,
But something within begs to stay.

I crumpled up the poem, throwing it away as I realized where I was going with it. This was no good. I knew that the promises made by the Dark Side were empty, I knew it was only going to be good for me until I gave in. I had been taught all these lessons, but right now I wasn't strong enough. I *wanted* to give in, to explore more than just what I had been taught in this little building all my life. I just couldn't stand the thought of disappointing everyone I had ever loved in my life.

Was that all that was holding me back? No, I decided finally. There was much more and it all had to do with fear. Sure, fear leads to the Dark Side, but what if what you feared *was* the Dark Side? I no longer had that blanket of confidence that I was incorruptible. I had never had an opportunity to be tested like this and I didn't know if it would finally strengthen my resolve or if it would break me. It was dangerous to explore this further, but it was also dangerous to try to ignore it in the hopes it would go away on its own.

I turned back to my bed, knowing I would have most of the day to myself. I thought about crying but I just couldn't let go that far any more today. I thought about listening to some music, but I couldn't decide on anything I was in the mood for. I thought about crying some more and finally decided that I needed to or I would never get past the feeling I should.

That decided I let my emotions flood over me. Gently at first I felt the tears build as I remembered what I had done. They began to spill over as I thought about what would happen if anyone found out. Finally I let it all out as I thought of the impossibility of Vader wanting anything more to do with me. That hurt more than anything since Voron had died and I found out I was pregnant with his child. No, this hurt worse in a way because Voron was one with the Force and therefore not truly gone. At times I could still feel his presence and how he had cared for me. I had no such comfort with this situation, I was being devoured by the hopelessness of it all.

I was finally too exhausted to do anything but lay there, wallowing in my misery. No one bothered to check up on me because everyone walked on eggshells around me with losing my mate and being emotionally unbalanced from the pregnancy. I just stared up at the ceiling and clutched my pillow to my chest in a death grip. My mind was a complete blank, any thoughts I had just drifted away because I didn't have the strength to concentrate on them.

Gradually something changed. A vague sense of awakening imposed itself on my mind along with a strange darkness. It took me a while to realize I was feeling the presence of another person searching for me. I wondered who it could be, but it quickly became obvious to me that it had to be Vader. ::What do you want?:: I sent the thought with weary resignation.

His response shocked me out of my stupor. ::you::

I almost screamed at the myriad emotions which suddenly sprang up. Before I could decide which one to give precedence I felt an invisible hand brush my hair out of my face and caress my cheek. ::Why are you doing this to me?:: I tried to make my mental voice demanding, but it seemed the best I could do was a pitiful pleading. I wanted to give in so bad it hurt!

::Tam, there is so much you could learn from me if you'd only give yourself over to the Dark Side.:: He used the Force to caress my body, to stimulate places I hadn't known could be so erotic. My head swam with the sensation as I struggled with the decision of whether or not to resist. I felt my eyes slip slowly closed and the images supplemented the sensations I felt. I reached out to touch him, using the Force as he did, and felt his response. He kissed me, holding me close as if he'd never let me go--

There was a soft tap at my door. I gasped as the connection was broken, then stood up to answer my door. Master Yoda stood there with concern on his face. "Gone all day you have been. Troubled have your emotions been. Worried am I."

"Yes Master Yoda. It's more of the usual brought on by everything that happened last night. Some days it's just harder to deal with than others."

"Told you I did. Go out you should not yet. Worse are you today than you have been."

"No, I just think there a lot of things I still have to deal with that I haven't given myself a chance to think about yet. I think I should go for a walk...that might help me get my thoughts together. It all just hit me hard today, that's all."

I walked away quickly, not daring to think of how I had skirted the truth until I was safely away from the Temple. Then I sighed in relief as the crowds surrounded me, swallowing me up in a cloak of anonymity. Without thought I just walked.

________________________________________________________________________

As I walked I noticed different people as they passed. Each one had their own problems and sorrows. Each one had their own regrets hanging over them. Each one had strange lives that I could never understand because of the way I had been raised. The Jedi had stolen any chance to live a "normal" life like any one of these nameless faces that passed me. My free will had been subverted in the name of their idea of keeping me "pure". Where had that left me? Alone and pregnant in a society that frowned on what I had done. Sure, the child would be another hope for the Jedi, but I was--

What was I? None of the Jedi would look at me because I carried someone else's child, even if he was dead. My training had been stopped because of fatigue at first, but even when I had started to feel better I was sort of pushed aside so that I wouldn't endanger the child. I couldn't believe how backward some of the male healers were! If I say I can do something I'm not just acting brave! Of course, they just said that there was a chance of fluctuations in the Force that could throw me off in more dangerous exercises...and there were cases of that happening.

I turned the corner and found myself at my favorite place to meditate away from the Temple. I didn't think twice about it, it was a short climb to the platform where I had enjoyed watching people pass from a vantage that no one ever thought to look at. Pulling myself up happily I looked up--

The sounds of civilization had hidden the sound of his mechanized breathing. He held a hand out to help me up and after only a moment of hesitation I took it. "Come here often," I quipped.

"I discovered this place when I was a Padawan and needed to be alone with my thoughts."

Chills went up and down my spine. I recalled the feeling that had drawn me here the first time and wondered about it. "I never meant to steal your spot..."

He just gazed at me for a few moments and I wished I could for once see his true face just so I could see a reaction from him. I barely resisted the urge to squirm under the scrutiny of his mask's placid facade. He turned after an eternity and gestured out over the landscape. "It is the perfect place to be alone in a world so overpopulated. It takes a rare person to find a place like this, most people take such open yet hidden places for granted."

I felt myself blush at the compliment, so I turned away quickly in hopes that he wouldn't notice. My mind drifted to thoughts of things that had driven me here over the years and I could feel a sense of understanding coming from Vader. He reached out to touch my shoulder and I leaned back slightly, upheld my more than his physical strength.

"I understand what you are going through, Tam. I can help you in ways that the Jedi won't."

I knew he was right. I also knew that there was a price to pay if I could believe what I had been taught. "Do you ever regret the path you have taken?" The question came out before I could think about it.

"It was the path I needed to take, I was never cut out to be a Jedi."

"But do you regret it?" I don't know what possessed me to persist on this point.

I could feel his eyes upon my back as his hand clutched me just a bit tighter. "I have paid prices that I wish I didn't have to over the years, but they were prices I paid for things I could not do without. I can't say I regret them, for I would have to regret also the many gifts I have been given and the power I now have."

I thought about that. Prices to be paid. There were also prices for actions the Jedi took, could I live with that. "I don't know..."

"You don't have to make your decision today...I will wait while you think about it."

"Are you really that confident?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

He turned me around to face him, holding me close with one arm while the fingertips of his other hand brushed over my eyelids. As I closed my eyes I saw his dream image and felt his kiss upon me. "You want this, and you want me. I want you to have all that I can give you. You will be mine. You only have to realize with your entire being what your heart knows, and what your passion has led you to. That is why I am confident."

I felt the passion he spoke of build within me at his embrace. Part of me longed to pull away and put things in perspective, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. His internal image grinned at me and he gave me a deep kiss that stole my breath away and inflamed my libido to new heights. Then in an instant he pulled away and was gone before I could bring myself to open my eyes.

::Tomorrow at dinner time:: I heard his retreating thought and then I was alone to think of what I would do.

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