Remembrance
by Armelle Amaya ...her website
This is a companion piece to Bad
I remember him. I remember a cocky, self-confident boy who walked into my life and never really walked out again. I remember his smile. I knew from the first time I laid eyes on him that he was bad for me, but I couldn't resist him. I never could.
We always knew this wouldn't go anywhere.
But I couldn't resist him. Where others would've seen a too young fortune hunter, I saw the promise of the man he could become. And I very much wanted to be the one that made that promise come true. I did, and I can't bring myself to truly regret that, even if the man he has become did betray me.
I should've seen it coming. After all, I'm the one that trained him, taught him, showed him how this game is played. But I didn't see. I didn't want to see. I refused to face the man he'd become and instead chose to remember the boy he used to be. I should've seen it coming.
Only a few minutes ago, this was just business as usual, a trivial trade dispute, nothing to worry about. And now it's come to this: the two of us looking at each other across this immense hall, this ocean of emptiness that fades in comparison to the gorge lurking between us. I watch him and even before the Queen starts to speak, I know what he's done, and I know I've lost him.
But despite the hurt, despite his betrayal, I can't hate him. How can I hate him for using what I taught him, for becoming who I always knew he would one day become?
While the rumour dies down, I watch him, for the first time seeing the man has become, remembering the boy he used to be. I vaguely wonder why, why this betrayal, why didn't he talk to me about this? I would've gladly stepped aside for him, played along, anything. Anything to avoid losing him.
As much as we shared, though, there were some secrets he'd always insisted on keeping. And I loved him so much I almost never really pried. About his youth, his family, his origins.
About why he left, all those years ago, and where he left to. About why he suddenly reappeared. Where he'd been between disappearing and starting a political campaing on his homeworld.
At least I assume Naboo is his homeworld. He always avoided questions like that, distracting me with his hands, his body, his smile.
For a long time I was too happy to have him back to worry about it much. When that fevered happiness wore off a bit, I tried to get an answer once, resisting his attempts to distract me, insisting. He told me that he wouldn't, couldn't tell me, and that if I kept asking we'd be finished.
So I gave in. I always do.
I can see people speculating about who will be the next Chancellor. Fools. Of course it will be him. That's what he planned, and that's what will happen. I know that, because I know him. Because I taught him how to do this. Because I've always known what kind of man he could be.
But still, it hurts me to lose him over this. We survived all those years, in spite of the risks we both knew we were taking. If anyone had ever found out it would have ended both our careers.
But I loved him.
I still do.
And that's why I know I can take this, the pain, the betrayal, the humiliation. Because it's such a small price to pay to see the boy I loved become the man I love.